General ramblings...

Do you ever get the feeling that you're drowning? Or that...you're standing in this pool and the water is slowly rising, and as it gets higher and higher, it gets harder and harder to breath. All you want to do is grab something, and pull yourself up but there's nothing in your reach. You scratch and claw at the walls that surround you, but no matter what you do you just slide back off.

I always tell people I'm okay. And I am okay, I promise I am.

Except I'm not. Its nothing as severe as depression, or anything like that. I really am fine, I just...I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I know where I am, and I'm happy where I am, I just...sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right. That I'm holding all these threads in my hands, and they keep getting yanked out, and as hard as I try to hold on, I can't so I just let them go. I want someone to grab me by the arms and help pull me out of the water, but I'm not anyone elses responsibility. I won't let myself be. My personal shit is nothing compared to what other people are going through, why take up space with my problems.

I desperately want reassurance, but I don't want people to have to feel like they need to help me, how fucked up is that? I don't understand my thought process 90% of the time.

I just don't want to be a disappointment, and no matter what I do, I feel like I am. Like I'm not living up to my potential. Or something...

In the end everything will be okay, I just need to drag myself back into the light. Thats all. But right now, I just want to throw things. Stomp around, get all my damn anger out, and stop being such a damn failure.

I know this is really random, but as much as I dislike my ex, and all the things that go with him....I miss having a boyfriend. Not because of the actual boyfriend bit...but because I miss the contact. Sometimes I just want someone to sit, and hold me, and let me know that they're there. Just...there. With you. No expectations, no nothing just...the warmth that comes from that. Knowing that someone else is supporting you. I desperately miss that, and some days I'm terrified I'll never get that ever again. It leaves one with a bit of an ache.

So...hug a friend today. Like give them a good hug. Just for me. And all will be right with the world.